I haven’t given due respect to this little space of the internet here at end of this year since my Poppa passed away on November 16, so my apologies for neglecting this blog. Part of it was neglect on purpose; I didn’t want to write, to remember, to relive. I did not want to have to think about it. And I still don’t. Someday, I will. Not today.
My Poppa passing really has fucked me up in many ways. It has been years since I had to deal with the loss of someone so grand in my life. I was 16 when my grandmother passed, and her passing sent me into a very dark place as a youth. I had 17 more years with Poppa than with Gram Alice, but that sure as hell doesn’t make this any easier. This time, in dealing with his death, I wasn’t able to wallow in it, to selfishly grieve his passing over. I wasn’t able to go out and do dumb shit to deal with it all. This time, I have a husband and three little girls. And I need to be strong and happy for those three little girls. No matter how I feel inside, how much I want to spend the day crying and writing, screaming or sulking, I can’t do that. This is what it means to be an adult; and sometimes, it sucks a lot. I did write one hell of a eulogy for him, and that helped me immensely to heal, since writing saves my life time and again, but it wasn’t enough to fully heal, cope. Will I ever? Will there always be a hole? Is there supposed to be? Time will tell.
I am distancing myself from people and things, and even friendships that I treasure; I can feel it, and I need it. I don’t mean to push people away, but it is in the still of things, the moments alone, that I am finding peace. I am decluttering my life and my spirit because I need to. I need to look inward to be able to heal. I say it fucked me up, and it did, because the way I look at things has changed. My cousin passing last year was tragic, there is no doubt about that. It really rocked me. However, Poppa passing has changed me. Fundamentally. I will never be the same. My laugh has even changed, the reasons why I laugh have changed, and the way my world feels to me has changed. And it’s not for the bad. I believe that. It’s for the inevitable. I was bound to change, I needed this moment to happen to really see what is important. And what isn’t.
This year was many things to me. I saw my three girls really start bonding as a unit. My husband showed me time and again how he is my rock, and without him, I can’t do much. Issues with certain individuals in my life, that I thought were over, have been freshly reopened, and I have had to learn time and again how to internally forgive people because I deserve the peace that comes with that forgiveness. My oldest has blossomed into an amazing mind and power beyond her own understanding. My middle has become her own force, her own light in the world, and one hell of a snuggler. And my baby is simply that: every single thing the third child can be and more. They all have made my year such an amazing time to be alive, to be their mom, to be the most important thing for them that I can be.
This was the first year I wasn’t pregnant since the year my husband and I got married. Four pregnancies in six years is a little hard to grasp, that’s for sure. This was the first year I have felt us as a complete family, whole and unbreakable. I started writing my first novel and hope that by this time next year, I can add officially that I am a writer to my title. This was the year I gained confidence, and stability, to start to dream again. And it because my family is complete that I can find that stability and my voice in my dreams.
This year I have become hardened. I have gone through many things this year that have led to this feeling, and I needed to deal with them all to be whole. I needed to accept that no matter how badly i wanted something, if it wasn’t my time, it wouldn’t be coming for me. I needed to learn to look inward and remember that my role as mother, though not a paying gig, is the most important role I can ever perform. I needed to remember that my children are little souls that need to thrive, and I am the most important person in my life to give them the ability and knowledge to thrive. And though I am still seeking that elusive full time job in higher education, I needed to learn patience, pulling in the oars, and letting the Universe lead me. I know what is for me will not pass me, and as long as I continue to remind the Universe of what I want, and to truly desire that, it will come. I needed to gain some tunnel-vision in my life, instead of chasing a brass ring not meant for me anyway. I needed to prioritize things to remember to let go of that which does not serve me. I needed to lose someone in my life so close to me that the loss would shatter what I am inside so that I can turn these broken pieces into something beautifully amazing again. I was getting too comfortable; this year made sure that I didn’t become too safe in my shell.
It wasn’t all bad, but it wasn’t all good. I laughed a lot. I cried a lot. And I learned more lessons than I ever assumed I could in one single year. But you know what? That’s life. That is the point of this crazy Journey we are all on. This life isn’t for the weak, that’s for sure. We all must change to grow, and it isn’t usually comfortable thing to change and emerge on the other side of something. Life is meant to change us, to transform us, and to leave our souls always seeking something more beautiful or exceptional: to make us into butterflies. For without change, there would be no butterflies. And I intend for 2015 to become my butterfly year. Hear that Universe? Butterfly year. Mine. 2015.
What do you want your 2015 to look like?
Happy New Year’s to all my readers here.
You all rock my little world. Promise.