Tag Archives: self confidence

Being retarded is so gay

They’re just words, right? Wrong. They are more than that. What we say defines us.

Words.

Words do so much to so many. Words can mess us up as quickly as they lift us up only to turn around and throw us down. Words have the power to mesmerize, to amaze, to destroy, to conquer. Words are POWER. Plain and simple. And if you don’t believe me, say the sentence above this out loud while at the mall and see if you don’t get stares.

I have heard so many hurtful things be said to others. About others. In front of others. So many people live their lives believing in the words of others. So many people believe that they are as worthless as their parents make them feel. That they are as lazy as their boss tells them they are. That they are less than human because someone once called them a monster. They believe this because that is all they hear. They believe the words are real, are true. Are definitive. And they believe they cannot change them. That they must embody them. They become the truth behind the words.

I know this because I once was that girl. Believing I was plagued. They said my name like a disease. Always my first and last name together, never apart. As if I was even more volatile because I had two names. Don’t sit too close to me. You may catch it. You may catch what I obviously was afflicted with. I was called everything under the sun: ugly, gross, disgusting, shim, bisexual (although I am not), hideous. Anything that they could throw at me to make me sound like I was less than them. It gave them power, and I let it. And I believed them. I bought it hook line and sinker. If you hear something enough, you start to think there is some truth to it. You believe that you are what they say. So I was ugly. I was hideous. I was a disease. You didn’t want to be friends with me (and some people pretended they weren’t my friends depending on who asked. Because THAT was the cool thing to do). You didn’t want to be anywhere near associated with me. I was cancer. Look out.

But you know what? I started to see differently once I got into college. I was…inspiring. I was unique. I was passionate and driven. I was funny. Outgoing. Smart. Wise. A friend. And then.. all of a sudden… I wasn’t ugly anymore. I was a person again. Renewed. I had a new sense of who I was because NO ONE IN COLLEGE GAVE A SHIT about who I was, where I came from. I could define myself for myself and figure out who I was. And that was liberating. That was my moment to really get rid of the demons of the past, get rid of who they said I was, who I had become. I became me. I became outspoken, an activist, a lover, a fighter, an ally, a mentor. And above all, I became this person. This person who is sitting here typing with a heavy heart for those who cannot be who they are because the words of someone else has defined them. Who can’t be who they are because they feel worse words will come. Who can’t be themselves because the words of the past threaten to overshadow any possible words of encouragement in the future.

I started to chip through the exterior I had allowed those people to build over all of those years, brick by brick. And I found that at the center of the pile of bricks and stones that they had thrown at me was my true self. She was just too afraid to stand up and let anyone know she was there. And she was… beautiful. I am beautiful.

The words cut me…clipped my wings and caged me up. By the power of realization, the power of my voice, the power of MY words, I was able to get rid of the cage like a Pheonix. And I rose. And I was able to fly. And I never looked back. I was able to see the power in myself and use that power to help others realize their power. And I am who I am because of those words. Because of their words, I was able to rise.

I do not wish that those experiences had never happened. I do not wish I could erase them. Those words said in hate and jealousy, disdain and derision made me who I am today. Those words brought me to a place of self-love. And I want to use my words, and my experiences in overcoming those words, to be able to help someone else realize their own power. I want to show someone else that they matter. That who they are, in ALL of their glory, matters. They matter to me. That is what has brought me here, the knowledge that I can help someone else. And I strive to. I want to give others their wings.

Words are not haphazard collections of letters that hold no meaning. As much as we would like to think they are, they’re not. They are powerful. They can be weapons.

I choose to use mine as band-aids, as salves, as lotions and potions to heal…

As tools to break down bricks, as wings to help those who need it to fly…

I choose to use my words for good.

Because you never know who is listening…

And may need help tearing down some bricks.

Friday Night Randomness…

Just a handful of thoughts for the end of the week.

**Spotify has changed my life. I have always been big on music, but hate the radio. Pandora has always kind of annoyed me because it just chooses whatever it wants to choose for me to listen to. Well, Spotify changed that for me. Streaming music that I can share with my friends, artists I have always wanted to look into but haven’t… all at my fingertips. I listen to it in the car now, on my phone all the time, on my computer… I am really a Spotify convert. It took me a while to get over to it, and all of my friends recommended it. And I am so glad I gave it a shot.

Some other things I gave a shot this week

*Bon Iver (love)
*Florence + the Machine (love)
*Will Hoge (enjoy)
*Describing my professional goals to those who can help me get where I’d like to be (done and done)
*Meeting new people friends at a professional development Retreat (awesomeness all around)
*A new self confidence that comes from accolades from others due to work I have done (really, really cool feeling)
*NOT eating an entire box of Tagalongs in one day (fail)

**My Master’s Capstone tried to kill me. Literally. I turned it in for my instructor’s feedback (more on that in a minute) on Thursday night. Get his feedback within two hours. Feel relief. THAT doesn’t last long. Soon, I am struggling with a stiff neck, crippling migraine that makes it hard to focus on anything except how bad my head and neck hurt, and blurry vision every now and then. Fun, right? I get to the doctor today (one week after the crap started to kick in) and find out that it is all due to stress. Well, duh. I wouldn’t know why that would be, since I never stress about anything (hahaha I am laughing to myself and yes, it hurts my neck to do so). I think it was all the work I had to do in a short amount of time to finish this Capstone and graduate already. And my doctor agrees. I am on muscle relaxers at night (because to take them during the day would render me useless all around), a heated neck massager (I bought one, and do not like it. It is probably going back), Aleve, stretches….and…wait for it…relaxation! hahahah! I am still chuckling. I am not kidding when I say, with ALL honesty in my heart, that I do not know HOW to relax. I do not know HOW to do nothing and just be. If someone could help me out with that, all suggestions are welcome. I don’t know how to not fill my time with work. Or reading. Or writing. Or … anything. I may start knitting again, that always relaxed me when I had time to do it. I don’t know. I need help with this. I KNOW I will find a way to multitask relaxation techniques, I just know that about myself…

**I love my job. I just do. Every moment of “what in the world am I in for today?”; every moment where I know that I am right where I belong, doing what I was born to do: they are ALL worth it. Because behind those moments, I find such passion in my students. Lightbulbs come on. Faces light up. Those moments, though they sometimes may initially seem negative, really bring about the most positive results within my class. And with me. I learn a lot from them. I learn as much from my students as they from me. And that’s awesome. What an awesome job I have… What an opportunity to touch lives, create learning and laughing experiences, to care about someone who may have no one else to care about them. Those are my motivations. And, as long as I am blessed to be able to do this, I will give it the same energy. Because I demand the same from my students. I cannot ask for what I am not willing to give. Love my job. Love love love.

**I may start another project with a nonprofit for childhood cancer, and that would rock my world because a)I hate cancer and b)I love kids. Oh, and c)I am a pretty good grant writer, and that would be something I would be doing for them. See? I told you, I can’t NOT fill my time with something… lol. I look forward to knowing more about this opportunity in the days/weeks to come. Life is so fun, if you make it so. 🙂

**Wordling is amazing. More on that later….

Geniuses know… Wordle is where it’s at!!