Post about my zodiac sign and whether or not it fits me.
YEP. I’m a Scorpio and have an entire Pinterest board dedicated to it. Based on what I have read and know about Scorpio, a lot of it is pretty spot on.
EXCEPT THE RAGING SEX THING, cuz that is NOT me.
But, everything else? Yep!
Sensitivity, a proclivity for the darker side of life, openness, keen observation skills, fighter, feeler, healer, trap-like memory, quick to be annoyed, knowledge seeker, caring, sarcasm, independent, probably better off alone… all of it. Me.
I can’t lie; I really dig knowing that the way I am has kind of been written in the stars, so to speak. And I have always been like this. I embrace it. I’m good with it.
At the end of the day, aren’t we all seeking our own truths? A lot of truth can come from the stars, if we’re willing to look up!
Something I miss….
I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about things I miss. People? Sure. Things? Nah. But, I guess if I had to pick, I would say sleeping past dawn. LOL! Honest to goodness, my kids are just awake with the birds, and they usually wake me by asking if they can get up. Every morning like clockwork, even though they have a clock!! It’s madness.
I just miss the feeling of waking up, rolling over and wiping my bleary eyes and the sun actually being up before me. Seeing the sunlight stream into my windows, feeling its warmth on my skin instead of the cold, dark bullshit I wake up to now. It’s not too much, but I do miss it. A lot.
What do you miss?
What am I excited about?
I am excited about a lot of things as of late! Lots of fun things developing, lots of self work being done, lots of projects coming to the surface, and lots of connections being made. But, mostly right now, I am excited about having time off from working in person for the first four days of this upcoming week. I love my job – I do. So very much. But, sometimes a break is needed to hit pause, refresh, and revive. I have things I’d like to accomplish, but I really don’t expect to get through my list. I will focus on giving myself grace, breathing, centering. I want to get through some books I’ve had on my nightstand the last week or so, and I would like to see some friends I haven’t seen in a while. Those would be my nonnegotiable things I must at least attempt while I am on break.
Having time off is not something I usually celebrate.
But for me, right now, it couldn’t come at a better time.
Five Blessings in My Life (no people, my rule):
- Unconditional love from my children: I never wanted kids. It wasn’t until my cousin had his children that I even warmed up to the idea of children. And when I saw his oldest daughter for the first time, I knew I wanted children of my own. Now, with three daughters of my own, I have three blessings, every single day, even when I feel like I don’t deserve it. My greatest blessings call me “Mommy,” and sometimes, I’m the best Mommy ever…and sometimes, they tell me I am anyway.
- Music: Without music I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t know some of my favorite people. I wouldn’t have had some of the incredibly amazing experiences I have. I wouldn’t know what love is, what it feels like, what it sounds like. What words to use when life is bad, good, and everything in between. I wouldn’t know how to put words to the incredible feelings inside of me. I wouldn’t be who I am without the music that I love. And that means more to me than just about anything else.
- Unending support from my friends: When I don’t deserve it, they support me. When I completely suck at life, they love me anyway. When I need an ear, they all have them. When I am down, they lift me up. When I am scared, they shine lights for me. My friends remind me who I am. My friends remind me of what I am capable of, even when I don’t believe them. They help me rise. And I will rise for them, without hesitation. Any day, in any way.
- Protection from my guardian angels: Between my grandma Alice, my Poppa, and my cousin Kevin, alongside the baby I lost along the way, I am surrounded by the most loving and supportive people on the other side I could ever need. When grandma Alice died, she took almost everything out of me. I had nothing left when Kevin died, which upset me because I was only 18 days postpartum with my youngest. And I was so overwhelmed with everything, I feel like it’s taken me this long to really mourn his passing. Poppa passing was the last straw for my sanity in many ways; I still am not really okay with him being gone. Grandma Alice and Poppa were two people who loved me unconditionally, no questions asked, and losing them was really devastating to me on many levels. I still talk to all of them sometimes; it reminds me to stay connected to those who are on the other side, waiting for me and caring for me. My baby passed very early, so I didn’t feel a lot of connection to him (I always say he was my boy since I don’t have one here in this world). But, going through losing him was absolutely terrible, and something I don’t wish on anyone. I am surrounded by love in the next life. And I know they keep their eyes on me in this one.
- My writing: Saved my life. Still does. End of story.
On the good days, count your blessings. On the bad ones, count them twice.
Something I always think “What If” about….
This one here is a doozy. This could get long. I have LOTS of things I think what if about, some I am comfortable writing about here and others that stay in my private thoughts. I do not like to look back and wonder on things, but sometimes, as a human who thinks a lot and spends hours in her own head, I can’t help it. I mean, don’t we all have those moments?
What if I knew my own power during all of those times I needed it in my past? What if I had stood up to bullies instead of letting them form my self confidence and affect my self worth? What if I told people what I thought back when it mattered instead of struggling to gain ground now? What if I hadn’t let fear and my need for feeling safe affect every single decision I have made the last almost twenty years? What if I turned him in when it happened? What if I stopped waiting for people to give me acceptance and found it in myself instead? What if I let myself love as I knew I was capable of instead of how I thought everyone would accept? What if I let that person kiss me? What if I tried to kiss first? What if I wasn’t afraid? What if I learned how to stop giving fucks well before most of my fucks were gone? What if I met certain people in my life before I did? What if I had said no instead of yes? Or yes instead of no? What if I did what I wanted instead of what I thought I should do, what would allow others to accept me, what was safe? What if…?
The “what if spiral” can go PRETTY DEEP if I let it, so I try not to let it. I really, genuinely try to not go down the “what if” road. Some of the answers are scary to think about; they may make me uncomfortable. May make others uncomfortable. May hurt. But, sometimes, it’s unavoidable. I have to ask myself these questions. I have to do the shadow work that will help me come into my own power and not wonder what if, cuz I will know and truly understand how and why all of those what if moments HAD to happen to lead me here… and will have to be examined to lead me to something better – self acceptance and peace, a much-needed thing in my world. So much needed. I’ll get there, for sure. One day, one “what if” at a time…
What do you wonder “what if” about? I’d love to start a conversation around this.
Just a song I love by a band I love, about the “if” questions…
I know it seems silly to wonder “What If”; sometimes, it’s all I’ve got.
Write about something about which I feel strongly… (100 word challenge for myself)
I feel strongly about a lot of things, but nothing right now so much as the power of letting go. Let go of things that do not serve you. Let go of opportunities that do not bring you joy. Let go of people who only want you when it is beneficial for them to be around you. Let go of habits that become too heavy or expensive. Let go of mistakes and find beauty in the mess. Let go of expectations. Let go of self doubt, fears. Let go of everything that stops you from being the best you possible.
Words of wisdom that speak to me….
I find that every day I see new words and phrases that inspire me and speak to me. I have ALWAYS been into motivational quotes, inspiring words, and I believe that using words is the best way we can inspire action in ourselves and in others.
I have SO MANY OF THESE examples (visit my Pinterest account to see my folders of them). But currently, I am focusing on a lot of self affirmations and the like. Also, song lyrics speak to me, so a lot of my faves are found in songs.
I’d say I am not going to choose a few to highlight but rather just suggest that anyone reading this go and find their own words of wisdom. It doesn’t have to be motivational. Or uplifting. Or positive (some of the best things aren’t!). But really find those quotes and words that inspire action in you and speak to your soul. I could list about 2087 of them here, but I would rather someone think on words of wisdom that speak to them. Feel free to share yours in the comments, if you are so inclined.
Words are our most powerful tool. And I’m madly in love with them.
Share something I struggle with…
I struggle with a lot of things, but tonight I am struggling with feeling like enough. Sometimes, I never feel like I am enough. I can work hard, I can parent hard, I can wife hard, and sometimes it still feels like something, somewhere is being left behind. I never feel like I can give 100% to everything, so I am doing a lot to make sure my energy is focused on what I CAN do, what lights ME up.
I am pulling back on things that do not light me up. I am taking care of myself and doing what I can to stay above board. I am blessing and releasing like it’s nobody’s business (cuz it’s not). And I am seriously just cutting myself slack and giving myself grace.
I am taking time off for myself every evening at 8pm. ALL work stops for me unless it’s work on ME. My spirit. My journaling. My reading. My own care. I give and give and give all day, and now I am taking back my evenings. Weekends, too. They’re now mine and my family’s. I am passing on opportunities that do not serve me or create more work for me. And you know what? It’s fucking amazing.
Sometimes I do not feel like enough, honestly. But, I think it’s okay. As long as I am good with me, that’s all that matters. And really, at the end of the day, I am okay with me. I may not always LOVE me or be HAPPY, but I am working really hard to be truly content with my life, my decisions, and the ways I am now choosing to spend my time (and who I spend it on).
I only get this one life; I refuse to spend any more time on things/people/opportunities/experiences that do not truly light me up, serve me well, and bring me joy. I’m too old for nonsense… AND I am enough. I know that. But, sometimes I struggle to remember it.
Something someone told me about myself that I will never forget…
I suppose the one thing that I always come back to when I think of things that others have told me about myself is that I am real. I don’t know what that means all the time, since my own reality tends to shift and change, but I think I understand the underlying theme. I am real in that I do not fake things, and if I find myself in a situation where I absolutely have to fake something, it is the most uncomfortable thing in the world. I physically ache and feel my body reacting to the fakery. It is not fun.
I do not hide my emotions well. My face gives me away. Those who know me know what to look for in my actions or expressions to understand how I am feeling. My words sometimes don’t tell the same story as my face.
In being real, I also rarely tell people what they want to hear. I don’t believe in lying for lying’s sake, and if I do need to embellish the truth, I always have good reason. Again, though, I do not have the ability to lie for long because my expressions tell the truth.
I guess if I’m going to be known for something, I suppose it’s good to be known for being genuine and real. I can’t fake things or lie to save my own life. I don’t believe in it. I want to be the person people know they can trust, so I act in accordance with that. I will tell you if your boyfriend is being a dick in the same breath that I use to tell you that the dress you are trying on does not flatter you. I won’t lie – why bother?
Life is too short to be anything but who you are. In my own life, I am working on that and figuring out who I am going to be. Everyone should work on that – the world is full of enough copycats. Why do you want to be something you’re not? Authenticity is the key to a happier, fuller life. Why would you aspire to be anything other than your genuine, authentic self and life the life meant for YOU? It seems silly to me.
Don’t settle for a half life. Live YOUR life as authentically as possible – even if, like me, you’re not sure what that looks like all the time. We’re all just figuring out our own shit, one day (and sometimes five minutes) at a time.
Day One: List Ten Things That Make You Really Happy
- Being a part of the Anderson Five.
- Being near water.
- Being in NYC.
- New office supplies.
- Remembering to practice self care.
*BONUS: Long conversations with friends and also bonfires*