Post about my zodiac sign and whether or not it fits me.
YEP. I’m a Scorpio and have an entire Pinterest board dedicated to it. Based on what I have read and know about Scorpio, a lot of it is pretty spot on.
EXCEPT THE RAGING SEX THING, cuz that is NOT me.
But, everything else? Yep!
Sensitivity, a proclivity for the darker side of life, openness, keen observation skills, fighter, feeler, healer, trap-like memory, quick to be annoyed, knowledge seeker, caring, sarcasm, independent, probably better off alone… all of it. Me.
I can’t lie; I really dig knowing that the way I am has kind of been written in the stars, so to speak. And I have always been like this. I embrace it. I’m good with it.
At the end of the day, aren’t we all seeking our own truths? A lot of truth can come from the stars, if we’re willing to look up!
I am excited about a lot of things as of late! Lots of fun things developing, lots of self work being done, lots of projects coming to the surface, and lots of connections being made. But, mostly right now, I am excited about having time off from working in person for the first four days of this upcoming week. I love my job – I do. So very much. But, sometimes a break is needed to hit pause, refresh, and revive. I have things I’d like to accomplish, but I really don’t expect to get through my list. I will focus on giving myself grace, breathing, centering. I want to get through some books I’ve had on my nightstand the last week or so, and I would like to see some friends I haven’t seen in a while. Those would be my nonnegotiable things I must at least attempt while I am on break.
Having time off is not something I usually celebrate. But for me, right now, it couldn’t come at a better time.
Unconditional love from my children: I never wanted kids. It wasn’t until my cousin had his children that I even warmed up to the idea of children. And when I saw his oldest daughter for the first time, I knew I wanted children of my own. Now, with three daughters of my own, I have three blessings, every single day, even when I feel like I don’t deserve it. My greatest blessings call me “Mommy,” and sometimes, I’m the best Mommy ever…and sometimes, they tell me I am anyway.
Music: Without music I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t know some of my favorite people. I wouldn’t have had some of the incredibly amazing experiences I have. I wouldn’t know what love is, what it feels like, what it sounds like. What words to use when life is bad, good, and everything in between. I wouldn’t know how to put words to the incredible feelings inside of me. I wouldn’t be who I am without the music that I love. And that means more to me than just about anything else.
Unending support from my friends: When I don’t deserve it, they support me. When I completely suck at life, they love me anyway. When I need an ear, they all have them. When I am down, they lift me up. When I am scared, they shine lights for me. My friends remind me who I am. My friends remind me of what I am capable of, even when I don’t believe them. They help me rise. And I will rise for them, without hesitation. Any day, in any way.
Protection from my guardian angels: Between my grandma Alice, my Poppa, and my cousin Kevin, alongside the baby I lost along the way, I am surrounded by the most loving and supportive people on the other side I could ever need. When grandma Alice died, she took almost everything out of me. I had nothing left when Kevin died, which upset me because I was only 18 days postpartum with my youngest. And I was so overwhelmed with everything, I feel like it’s taken me this long to really mourn his passing. Poppa passing was the last straw for my sanity in many ways; I still am not really okay with him being gone. Grandma Alice and Poppa were two people who loved me unconditionally, no questions asked, and losing them was really devastating to me on many levels. I still talk to all of them sometimes; it reminds me to stay connected to those who are on the other side, waiting for me and caring for me. My baby passed very early, so I didn’t feel a lot of connection to him (I always say he was my boy since I don’t have one here in this world). But, going through losing him was absolutely terrible, and something I don’t wish on anyone. I am surrounded by love in the next life. And I know they keep their eyes on me in this one.
My writing: Saved my life. Still does. End of story.
On the good days, count your blessings. On the bad ones, count them twice.
This one here is a doozy. This could get long. I have LOTS of things I think what if about, some I am comfortable writing about here and others that stay in my private thoughts. I do not like to look back and wonder on things, but sometimes, as a human who thinks a lot and spends hours in her own head, I can’t help it. I mean, don’t we all have those moments?
What if I knew my own power during all of those times I needed it in my past? What if I had stood up to bullies instead of letting them form my self confidence and affect my self worth? What if I told people what I thought back when it mattered instead of struggling to gain ground now? What if I hadn’t let fear and my need for feeling safe affect every single decision I have made the last almost twenty years? What if I turned him in when it happened? What if I stopped waiting for people to give me acceptance and found it in myself instead? What if I let myself love as I knew I was capable of instead of how I thought everyone would accept? What if I let that person kiss me? What if I tried to kiss first? What if I wasn’t afraid? What if I learned how to stop giving fucks well before most of my fucks were gone? What if I met certain people in my life before I did? What if I had said no instead of yes? Or yes instead of no? What if I did what I wanted instead of what I thought I should do, what would allow others to accept me, what was safe? What if…?
The “what if spiral” can go PRETTY DEEP if I let it, so I try not to let it. I really, genuinely try to not go down the “what if” road. Some of the answers are scary to think about; they may make me uncomfortable. May make others uncomfortable. May hurt. But, sometimes, it’s unavoidable. I have to ask myself these questions. I have to do the shadow work that will help me come into my own power and not wonder what if, cuz I will know and truly understand how and why all of those what if moments HAD to happen to lead me here… and will have to be examined to lead me to something better – self acceptance and peace, a much-needed thing in my world. So much needed. I’ll get there, for sure. One day, one “what if” at a time…
What do you wonder “what if” about? I’d love to start a conversation around this.
Just a song I love by a band I love, about the “if” questions…
I know it seems silly to wonder “What If”; sometimes, it’s all I’ve got.
Write about something about which I feel strongly… (100 word challenge for myself)
I feel strongly about a lot of things, but nothing right now so much as the power of letting go. Let go of things that do not serve you. Let go of opportunities that do not bring you joy. Let go of people who only want you when it is beneficial for them to be around you. Let go of habits that become too heavy or expensive. Let go of mistakes and find beauty in the mess. Let go of expectations. Let go of self doubt, fears. Let go of everything that stops you from being the best you possible.
I struggle with a lot of things, but tonight I am struggling with feeling like enough. Sometimes, I never feel like I am enough. I can work hard, I can parent hard, I can wife hard, and sometimes it still feels like something, somewhere is being left behind. I never feel like I can give 100% to everything, so I am doing a lot to make sure my energy is focused on what I CAN do, what lights ME up.
I am pulling back on things that do not light me up. I am taking care of myself and doing what I can to stay above board. I am blessing and releasing like it’s nobody’s business (cuz it’s not). And I am seriously just cutting myself slack and giving myself grace.
I am taking time off for myself every evening at 8pm. ALL work stops for me unless it’s work on ME. My spirit. My journaling. My reading. My own care. I give and give and give all day, and now I am taking back my evenings. Weekends, too. They’re now mine and my family’s. I am passing on opportunities that do not serve me or create more work for me. And you know what? It’s fucking amazing.
Sometimes I do not feel like enough, honestly. But, I think it’s okay. As long as I am good with me, that’s all that matters. And really, at the end of the day, I am okay with me. I may not always LOVE me or be HAPPY, but I am working really hard to be truly content with my life, my decisions, and the ways I am now choosing to spend my time (and who I spend it on).
I only get this one life; I refuse to spend any more time on things/people/opportunities/experiences that do not truly light me up, serve me well, and bring me joy. I’m too old for nonsense… AND I am enough. I know that. But, sometimes I struggle to remember it.
They say that the Universe will never give you more than you can handle and will deliver people to you in your life that you need when you need them. (Boy, that is the most grammatically correct, yet long, sentence without commas I have ever seen!) I have been having some brushes with greatness in my own life recently, and one of them sticks out to me as a true turning point. It was the kick in the pants I needed to get out of my own way and get on with the damn thing. And it came from one of my favorite authors of this time, Tarryn Fisher.
Tarryn Fisher is someone I have admired for years for her advice on life, her ridiculously amazing fashion skills which I completely lack, and her voice in her writing that sticks with me for months after I read her books. Her passion for her fans and readers is unmatched in the book world, and she is open to us and talks to us and reminds us we matter. She goes out of her way for us, and I am so in awe of her immersion into this life that she has created for herself and for all of us who love her.
She writes books that I can sink into with characters I fall in love with even when I question their sanity (and my own). I devoured her first three books whole when I read them (they were the first ones I read from her). I mean, completely devoured. Do not sleep, do not rest, go straight to finish and open the next one. They were addictive and beautiful, and if you have not read them, please go get them here. They are called the Love Me With Lies series, and they are everything you’ll need to fall in love with her right out of the gate. I promise. Then, readMarrowand Mud Vein.Mud Vein is my favorite, Marrow is my second favorite, and then the LMWL series solidly handles the third spot all together. I included links to the books in the clicky parts on this; go shop and then come back. I’ll wait…
Anyway, so back to me. I was sitting on my couch last night, completely ready to go to bed and call it a night when my phone alerted me to a message. I was like, “Really? I’m going to bed, y’all.” But, it was Tarryn Motherfatherin’ Fisher. I mean, yeah. Whoa. And I was like, “Holy shit. Bed? What bed?”
I am a proud, card carrying (yes I have a card) member of Tarryn’s reader group/fan club, Passionate Little Nutcases. And, I have been fairly active in the group until recently because life is busy, and I am always about seven conversations late to the party, so I just kind of watch and sit tight and chime in when I am caught up. It’s hard when there are, like, eleventy billion of us, and I just feel like I am so behind on all of it. I’ve been quiet lately, and she noticed.
Guys, she noticed!! Me!! I about died, y’all. My life, I told y’all, is weird.
She reached out and asked me if I was okay, and then she told me she’d noticed I was quiet lately. She’d been thinking about me (omg, I still can’t believe that!) and wanted to make sure I was still in her group and that I was fine. I mean, really, she wanted to make sure I was okay (!!!!). I stumbled all the fuck over myself trying to remain chill (I, quite literally, have zero chill). I couldn’t believe it! I had to check and make sure it was real, that’s how in disbelief I was! I mean, pinch me, right?
We chatted a small bit, and she asked me if I was writing. I kind of gave her the Cliff’s Notes version of why I had stalled out on writing – rejection sucks, and I’m just not sure I can hear the same things over and over again. “You write well, but….” I know I write well; tell me something unique, please. Ya know?
She reminded me to write for myself – advice I have of hers printed out and sitting next to my computer, for real. And I told her that! I thanked her profusely for even reaching out to me. It was so humbling, I was so touched, and I couldn’t believe it was actually happening. I mean, talk about the Universe giving you a one-two punch in the face, ya know? Write for yourself… yes. Thank you, Queen. I got it now! Sometimes you know things, but you need someone else to tell you in order for it to sink in? Yeah. That was that.
In that moment, with one brief chat, she saved me from myself. Just like that – it was too easy! Clearly, I was ready and willing to be saved. And, I know I have had friends tell me the same thing, but it sounds different coming from someone like Tarryn Fisher who has been through it all – someone who understands the inner workings of the writer’s mind. And, really, someone who I share a lot of the same beliefs as in terms of life, writing, love, and all things in between. Hearing it from friends is great; hearing it from someone who knows is a catalyst.
Now, I find this to be a bit of divine intervention in a way because it was super relevant to my daily life. I mean, every single day I think about this writing thing. Sometimes, all day. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the book I wrote, and the second one which I hadn’t touched in over a year but need to finish so I can get onto the third (!!!!). I have been going back and forth for what feels like forever on what to do with them – self publishing is tough, but so am I. And getting an agent is a mind-fuck that I’ve been trying and just, for whatever reason, I am not achieving. But, I think I know the path now…
I opened up my second book today and started reading it, going over it and editing it. And it was like coming home to an old friend, a friend who was waiting for me the whole time; I just had to get out of my own way. And once I am done with the edits, I will keep writing and adding to it, and making it what it deserves to be. These books are good, you guys. And I’m not just saying that. I mean, I know and people tell me things…
I’m ready for the world to meet these characters, for the world to know my worlds inside of me, and for the world to see me as a published author. I’m ready. I’ve been ready. I just needed reminded of how ready I am…So, thank you, Tarryn Fisher, you crazy, beautiful, amazing gem of this world. I am so thankful you are here – you’ll never quite understand what a little conversation at damn-near midnight meant to me. One day, I’d like to show you. Until then, just know that you were just what I needed to remind me of why I do what I do, and why I am truly a part of PLN Nation.
One day, maybe someone will tell me that I save them from themselves…
I haven’t posted much about this pregnancy, and I intend to make up for that today. First of all, I am so glad that I am pregnant. I am over the moon. I am so excited for another child and blessing in our house. We planned this pregnancy, and it happened as nature intends, and all is well. I am happy. Excited. Elated. I feel like I need to start out with that because the rest of this post isn’t so lovey dovey about this pregnancy.
The third time around, one would expect to know what is going to happen. Relatively so anyway. I was like, pregnancy wasn’t always terrible (there was that heart condition last time, but I have full faith it won’t happen this time. Don’t ask me how I know, and know that I could be totally wrong.). I didn’t HATE being pregnant with my first two. Sure, I fell a lot (vertigo + center of gravity differences + general gestational wobbliness = falling). But it was relatively smooth sailing when it was good. This pregnancy, however, has really opened my eyes and shown me that I know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT BEING PREGNANT. The end. This time has been a complete 180, and I don’t know if maybe this is a boy, or multiples, or a small band of beasts, or what. But I am learning a lot this time around. And it’s a whole new world of adventure! (I feel like Aladdin)…
Welcome to Pregnancy Rant 2013, Vol. 1
*Things I have never experienced while pregnant before now*
1. I was nauseous, everyday, all day, for roughly 15 weeks straight. What. The. Hell. I mean, nauseous. Bad nauseous. And, because I am not a puker, I could not alleviate the nausea in any way. And not for lack of effort. I gave it the old college try. But it was not to be. So, I suffered along, nauseous and barely able to eat or drink much. It got to the point that noodle soup and water made it bad. Really? The TWO THINGS you need when you are sick, and they made me sicker. Awesome Sauce. But yay pregnancy and baby and blessings and yay!! Yes? Yes!
2. Now that I am just about 19 weeks along *tomorrow*, I am feeling better nausea-wise. It still depends on what I eat, but in all, I am ok. Now I am dealing with PREGNANCY MASK. Oh yes, my friends. Nothing makes you feel more self conscious than an entire section of your face being red, raw, peeling, painful, and wonderously not able to be covered up by makeup. It’s really appealing. I probably look like I stick my face in ice water before I leave the house. The rawness is ridiculous. It hurts to wash my face, apply moisturizer, and look at it in general. It’s so gross. But, hey, this is all worth it, no? (I keep telling myself that). The cold winter weather is truly doing nothing to help, as you kind reader can imagine. But I don’t have to be pretty or look not insane because I am pregnant! And its a miracle! Yes? Yay pregnancy!
3. I now know where my round ligaments are. And they suck. I have terrible round ligament pain, which I don’t recall having ever before. I know why this time around it is bad, and that is because my abdominal muscles tore to shreds with Ellery. That’s what having three times the amount of fluid you should have does to you (and makes your heart bad, check!). I feel like an aging old woman, gripping my stomach when I move. I couldn’t roll over in bed last night because it made me want to cry. I am going to go today to get a support belt because I need it. It won’t be pretty I am sure, but I don’t care as long as it helps. It hurts to move, to lift, to sit, to stand. It sucks in general. BUT I am SO excited for baby, so it’s worth it!
4. My appetite is insane. I literally have turned into a teenage boy. I can eat literally all day long. If I am awake, I am starving. And not just starving, like feed me or I will kill you and eat your innards starving. With the other two, it wasn’t this bad. But Good Lord, look out. I DO NOT eat 24/7 because I know what that will do to my body, and I do not have time to lose the house I would assuredly gain. But know that I am always thinking of food, planning my next meal or snack, and in general pining for food. It’s ridiculous. I can only assume that my baby will be a huge baby with a ravenous appetite, but one never knows. Yay Baby! Pregnancy is FUN!!
5. Also? I am thirstier than I have ever been ever in my life. I drink probably at least two gallons of water every single day. I drink a bottle alone overnight *which does nothing for the peeing*. I drink all day. I do allow myself that. I do worry because of my fluid issue before, but I was never this thirsty with the other two. And really, if I am not going to allow myself to eat all day, I might as well guzzle the H2O with vigor and quench that constant craving. So basically if you see me out and about, assume I am thinking of drinking and eating. Unless I am drinking and eating. In that case, assume I am planning the next round of eating and drinking. What a miracle, incubating and growing a child….Blessing!!
6. I will not even talk about the rate of growth of my boobs, the going up a size and it still not being enough to contain them. The pain, the aches, the insane pressure they put on my now-too-small new bras. Nope. Pregnancy is awesome!!
Yes, I am happy that I am pregnant, and it is a blessing, but I don’t pretend that it’s a joy ride. Pregnancy is definitely not for the weak. No sissies allowed on this ride. I will find out what I am having on February 7, so keep your eyes peeled for that. In the meantime, share with me your pregnancy stories. The good. The bad. The ugly. I’d love to know what other momentous things I have to look forward to that I NEVER experienced before. 🙂
Especially if you are eating, and I want what you have… lol