Something I always think “What If” about….
This one here is a doozy. This could get long. I have LOTS of things I think what if about, some I am comfortable writing about here and others that stay in my private thoughts. I do not like to look back and wonder on things, but sometimes, as a human who thinks a lot and spends hours in her own head, I can’t help it. I mean, don’t we all have those moments?
What if I knew my own power during all of those times I needed it in my past? What if I had stood up to bullies instead of letting them form my self confidence and affect my self worth? What if I told people what I thought back when it mattered instead of struggling to gain ground now? What if I hadn’t let fear and my need for feeling safe affect every single decision I have made the last almost twenty years? What if I turned him in when it happened? What if I stopped waiting for people to give me acceptance and found it in myself instead? What if I let myself love as I knew I was capable of instead of how I thought everyone would accept? What if I let that person kiss me? What if I tried to kiss first? What if I wasn’t afraid? What if I learned how to stop giving fucks well before most of my fucks were gone? What if I met certain people in my life before I did? What if I had said no instead of yes? Or yes instead of no? What if I did what I wanted instead of what I thought I should do, what would allow others to accept me, what was safe? What if…?
The “what if spiral” can go PRETTY DEEP if I let it, so I try not to let it. I really, genuinely try to not go down the “what if” road. Some of the answers are scary to think about; they may make me uncomfortable. May make others uncomfortable. May hurt. But, sometimes, it’s unavoidable. I have to ask myself these questions. I have to do the shadow work that will help me come into my own power and not wonder what if, cuz I will know and truly understand how and why all of those what if moments HAD to happen to lead me here… and will have to be examined to lead me to something better – self acceptance and peace, a much-needed thing in my world. So much needed. I’ll get there, for sure. One day, one “what if” at a time…
What do you wonder “what if” about? I’d love to start a conversation around this.
Just a song I love by a band I love, about the “if” questions…
I know it seems silly to wonder “What If”; sometimes, it’s all I’ve got.