There is a laundry list of things I should be doing tonight, including laundry, ironically enough. I have two interviews sitting on my recorder app that I need to transcribe; they’ve been there for over a week. I know they’re there. But, it has been an exhausting week in my world, and I have not had the brain power to even sit down and listen to my own voice talk to someone else with, assuredly, a sexier voice than mine and type out all of our words. I need brain power to accomplish these things, and it has been in super short supply as of late. So, I am aiming for tomorrow and Wednesday to be done with them so that I can stop having that “but you should be doing this” nagging sensation I can’t shake. Step one, admit you have a problem. Step two, fucking fix it. AmIright?
So, I am sitting here with my earbuds in listening to some of my favorite music instead of enjoying the silence of everyone in my house being asleep (including kids!). Silence for me is golden in that I need it and crave it, but it also makes me incredibly uncomfortable if I have too much of it. Though I am an introvert who craves the silence, I often find myself not wanting it all the time, or thinking I want it when what I really want is to be left alone to do what I want to do, which is usually ignore everyone and be lost in my own world. I don’t do well with a lot of quiet – I fill it with chatter or music most of the time. Music is the one thing that keeps me moving forward when I am so damned tired I can’t breathe…
Why has this week been so exhausting? Well, you sly fox, I will tell you. My middle kiddo has been having an incredibly hard time sleeping. And what I was chalking up to situational anxiety about her leaving Kindergarten (y’all, she’s hyper attached, as most kids get at this age), it turns out we are pretty sure she’s managed to pick up pinworms. Yep. Pinworms. Don’t Google. It’s gross. But know that playing in the dirt and being outside and, ya know, being a kid can lead you to pick up the most common parasite to humans. Cuz if someone is going to have something completely fucked up and weird happen to them, it’s me, and clearly, by extension, my children. Yep. My superpower is not one anyone else wants, that’s for sure!
Of course, to add to their endless appeal, pinworms get more active at night – cue the sleeplessness – so, here we are… Oh, and did I mention the whole family gets treated since they’re super contagious?! YEP! EVEN BETTER! So, I am washing sheets and clothes and the whole fuckin’ nine yards to hopefully kick these little guys out of my kiddo (and keep them from the rest of us, thankyouverymuch) so that maybe one day I can sleep before I die… goals, amiright?! I mean, I don’t *think* you can die from exhaustion, but I am telling you what, sometimes it feels like I am trying to continually be a trailblazer.
And I KNOW it’s driving my kiddo crazy, which doesn’t help. Because, as any parent who doesn’t suck at this game can tell you, the WORST THING is not being able to help your kid or fix her. I mean, I feel like the worst mother alive because I am powerless to this madness!! It sucks so bad to know that I am doing everything I can, and it’s still not enough. It is maddening, and I feel worse for her than anything because she is downright miserable. NO ONE is winning in this battle currently; it sucks all the way around right now. It’s getting a little better, but slowly, and I’d like it to hurry the hell up and stop sucking completely.
So, while I am not sleeping and doing all of these things, I am also trying not to die and kill anyone else in the process. This is why I need Jonathan Davis in my ears right now, begging me to “Take me…it’s the only way” while bebopping my body along with the beat and dancing along like no one is watching (cuz unless I have a creeper neighbor, literally no one is watching… and I really hope I don’t cuz my stripper song just came on, and I cannot promise I am not making an ass out of myself). I mean, it’s a need at this point!
I am training for my first red carpet event in July 9 (AND IT’S KIND OF A BIG DEAL, GUYS, THAT I AM SUPER EXCITED FOR!!!), and I want to look as fuckin’ hot as I can (which, I mean, really… let’s be real. I’m a solid 7.5 on a good day, so I’m not really shooting for the stars here). I am working out as often as I can, but again with barely having brain enough to move forward and keep that momentum going while walking, working out hasn’t happened the last few days. Thank gods I am also managing my diet because I am still handling a good portion of all of that.
I miss working out; I do. I stare longingly at my free weights and kettle bells with warm affection in my eyes, and then I realize that warm affection is also running down my face in the form of exhausted zombie-mom drool because I can barely form a coherent sentence. In that moment, I remember that I probably shouldn’t try to do much, lest I actually hurt myself. It doesn’t take much for me to hurt myself (I mean, I sprained my wrists by falling off a rock and broke both of my middle fingers by falling down stairs while studying for a Shakespeare final, so…I present enough evidence here). Safety first!
Nothing good can come out of me while I am exhausted, so I tried to table my to-do list in order to deliver the best product I can for the musicians and bands I work with. I am a tireless perfectionist on my best days, a control freak with massive perfection issues on my worst. Daddy always told me not to half ass anything; after thirty-five years on this planet, I have no desire to start now! I have tabled my own training in order to get my mental house in order and past the fog of the tired… it’s been relaxing, but also stressful because I KNOW I NEED TO DO THESE THINGS….
So, annihilating pinworms…tackling to-do lists…typing transcriptions…washing laundry…keeping the kids happy and healthy…I need to get it all done! Oh.my.god. I am so tired; I can’t hang!! But, I am resolved. NO matter what, tomorrow, it’s gettin’ done. I am grinding it out (puns intended all over). I am going to get back on the horse, no matter how I feel. Time is passing whether I am all in or not, and no one likes excuses; results are generally preferred.
But, sometimes excuses are so tempting,
you can’t help but show them off, ya know?