Where have I been? Where am I going?

So I have been a little busy since school started up and whatnot. I have met, tutored, mentored, and taught students in some form or another every week day since January 13. I did take off time for a wedding in Colorado last week, but I was still emailing students and grinding away. But, if it isn’t grinding, it isn’t life, and so I have been very busy living, apparently.

My novel is going well and is pretty much the only thing I can think about, focus on, obsess over, at this time. I am always working out plot angles, dialogues, conversations, actions, etc. It’s exhausting, but my brain is ON it. And the fact that I am taking a YA fiction writing course makes my novel my homework. And that is a sweet spot to be in. I cannot complain.

I am planning my second tattoo, and one of my very best friends is getting a matching one. It is so true what they say; they really are addicting. I have conceptualized numbers 3 and 4 as well…. I’m ready. 🙂

I am having a hard time right now with grieving as an adult, which sounds so absolutely ridiculous, but it is so true. When my grandma Alice died, I was 16. I did stupid shit for years. YEARS…into college. I was allowed to do stupid shit. Now? I am a mother of three and a wife, so I can’t just go do stupid shit. So I am pouring myself into my writing, and I am making me time a priority. I’m in the “leave me alone, no please can we just talk” phase of grief, which I realize it not scientific, but it’s there. I crave silence and being alone, but then I hate being alone, and I calm my brain with social media and wine, haha. So I can’t hang with it all. It’s frustrating, but I am dealing. I really, really want to go make poor life decisions and be reckless. However, that isn’t really an option. So, I try to deal with it in a healthy way. Wine is helping, but it isn’t everything. One day, I will wake up and my heart won’t feel like it’s crumbling out of my chest, right? One day, I will be able to hear the words “had a heart attack” without turning into a PTSD-puddle nightmare, blanking out and freezing, my insides turning to ice while simultaneously burning up. It will happen, right? It has to. I’ll be okay. It isn’t over until it’s okay, so I am going to walk through this and on to the other side of grief, into healing. I’m good. Worse things have happened to me that I have survived. This, this is not going to take me out. I’m good.

I have been composing little bits of poetry off and on, usually inspired by the shower, which is interesting. But, it’s another outlet. Writing has saved my life, and will continue to do so, until I just can’t physically do it anymore. I talk about it a lot, but it’s so true. If I didn’t, couldn’t, write, I wouldn’t be who I am. I wouldn’t know how to live. It wouldn’t be my life; that’s for sure.

That is the wrap-up. It’s been a while, but I am still here. Inspiration is everywhere. I’m manically writing chapters, planning out ideas for Book Two (of course, I can’t just write one at a time!), and putting together this novel that I hope becomes something greater than I can ever imagine. I have high hopes for this one. I just want to be left alone to write my fancy novels and talk my fancy words; and, unfortunately, I am years away from being left alone for any measurable period of time. But that is okay. This is my Journey; I accept it, embrace it, and sometimes want to punch it in the face. But it’s mine, so I am allowed. Where is your Journey taking you? Let’s chat. Please, don’t leave me alone…. 😉

Trust your Journey.
It knows where you are going;
Even if it makes no sense to you,
It won’t lead you astray if you simply trust.

 smith-haynes-trust-your-journey

And how does this make you feel?

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