I now understand the Bidet Craze…

There are things you only find yourself saying when you are close to the end of a pregnancy. And I feel I have said them so many times the last few weeks that I needed just to get them out and put them here. It was one of those, “I need to blog about this” ideas that I am finally bringing to fruition. You’re welcome.

Anyway, I am an avid constant HGTV watcher. And the one thing that so many people say they NEED (aside from a home office.. what the hell do these people do that they won’t even consider an AMAZING house I would kill for if it doesn’t have a home office? I mean really?!) is a bidet. And I watch it with my husband laughing in disbelief that all of these couples are like, “oh well this house would be perfect if we had a toilet area that washed off our asses for us, for without that, this deal is broken.” What the hell, really? And then, I hit about 35 and a half weeks pregnant, and I understood it. All of a sudden, it is harder to reach those “hard to reach” places, and like lava spewing forth from a volcano, I blurted it aloud, “I finally get the whole Bidet Craze!” My husband laughed at me, shaking his head, and I became (for a short time) the girl who would go on HGTV asking for a Bidet (and a home office, so I can go full-on needy asshole on them).

There are other things that get harder as you get bigger, and these things only get worse with each pregnancy. I only had about one week of ankle swelling (I anticipate it getting worse once I birth her), but the ankle and foot pain have been ridiculous. I have naturally Barney Rubble flat feet anyway, and the whole “feet spreading” deal doesn’t make it any better. So walking hasn’t been the most exciting thing to do, but I do it because I refuse to crawl. That would be embarrassing. And my already less than awesome knees wouldn’t appreciate that treatment at all. The nerve/compression deal that makes my thighs warm and tingly if I stand too long is fun, and my youngest has started saying, “I have to sit down. My legs are hot,” which makes me realize how often I say it to her…Also? I have literally felt my pelvis spreading. That is something I didn’t anticipate nor feel with the other two. I will just feel myself start to “fall out” a bit, if you will. And I will laugh because I know I am starting to have a very pronounced waddle and that’s ok. I am 36 weeks into this game. It happens. Carpal tunnel is getting better, and the braces have helped when I need to wear them, but I anticipate it coming back again at the end here. And with pregnancy, everything can come and go as it feels like… so really, every single day is different and holds new possibilities and promises of discomfort! Welcome to the Miraculous Ride!

Ellery tore my entire abdominal wall with all of the fluid I had when pregnant with her, and so now I am dealing with Finola dropping twice and not having much, if any, internal support to hold her up. She sits firmly in my pants (did I mention she hates waistbands?) and my stomach feels like she is going to fall out. If I didn’t have skin to hold it all in, I’d assume she was going to just open a door in my belly and pop out (boy wouldn’t that make my life easier?). And the round ligament pain is back, and while it isn’t awful, it’s enough to catch my breath. Wrap-around contractions have started (which I know mean nothing other than I am less than a month from meeting this baby), and they are helping me master my breathing. Finola hates them, so she takes those opportunities to practice her backwards kick into my rib cage. It’s good to see she is working on her skills and not wasting those moments. She’s efficient, this one. No moss growing on her!

Sleeping is uncomfortable, no matter how many pillows I have in bed with me to lift me up and support my body. I toss and turn most of the night, trying to find the position that hurts the least. And the constant need to pee in the middle of the night? I cannot wait until that’s gone. Every time I move, I have to pee. And let’s not even talk about the uhm…flow?…of fluids that seems to constantly seep from my bathing suit area, if you will. My midwife told me about two months ago that the third child turns the birth canal into a Slip N Slide, and that it happens earlier than with other pregnancies, and she didn’t lie. I find myself cringing in the female panty protector area of Target because I am pregnant; I shouldn’t need these things! That’s one of the perks of the whole thing… but no. The past two weeks have been the worst, and I hear it only gets worse before it gets better. I can only hope I am wearing a Super Maxi Overnight with Wings and Leak Guards if my water breaks on its own… that would make me really test absorbancy!! I could submit my testimony of absorbancy and win pads for a year! Silver linings, friends!!

Speaking of, I have never had my water just break on its own. So that’s one thing I am slightly nervous about. It’s had to be broken for me in the past, and my greatest fear is that I will be out somewhere and POP! goes the weasel, and all of a sudden I am a fountain of amniotic goodness. Isn’t it fun the things you have to think about?

All joking aside, I am glad I am at the end here. I couldn’t be pregnant for another six months, but I can wait the next month for her. I am in no rush. It’s so funny. With the first, I was all, “I can’t wait to meet my baby!” And with the second, it was like, “I am in danger of stroking out, so I have to meet her NOW!” And with Finola, I am all, “Take your time, Kid. I’m not going anywhere.” I could care less when she comes (as long as it’s not like a week late.. no. thank. you.). She will come when she is ready. I am in no hurry. Her room is ready for her. My bag is packed for the hospital, and the infant seat is firmly installed in my car. I am as ready as someone can be with two other kids to worry about and a husband who may or may not be home for the blessed day. I’ve got a month (which we all know isn’t true and is a nice medical guesstimate) to snuggle her, and I have the rest of my life to love her on the outside. While I wait, I will enjoy her on the inside. She rolls around, stretching and nudging me, and makes my stomach look like I have been taken over by a band of Ninja Gerbils from the inside. I will waddle around, leaking and creaking, struggling to move effortlessly and sleep without interruption, and understand why it is that those House Hunters need a bidet so bad…

Take your time, Finola Leigh. We have our lifetimes to be together…
Mommy is waiting. But I am patient.


But it is cool to think in four weeks or less, we can do this…

you-babys-first-4-weeks-what-to-expect-454We won’t be hand in hand forever,
But you will always be in my heart…

And how does this make you feel?

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