Yesterday was Christmas. And it was awesome. Absolutely perfect. I usually hate Christmas, as I chronicled last year. But, this year, I felt different. I finally feel like my grandmother is giving me permission to enjoy things without her that I used to enjoy with her. And I know that she is with me every single day; I believe in her presence and goodness a lot more than I believe in any deity most days. This year, Christmas was just…good. Just really, really good.
We didn’t spend a lot of money ourselves, but the girls were spoiled rotten. Grammy and Poppi Claus and Mimi and Nikki Claus went pretty close to overboard, but they assure me that this is their job. My brother and his wife got them some amazing things, as did my aunt Pat. Shawn’s family showered them in goodness… it was goodness from all sides. And in the middle of the boxes and the wrapping, the boops from various toys and the laughter from my girls, it hit me. This is the last Christmas we will be spending as a family of four. Now, I am not a sentimental “things are going to be so different” type of person most days. But this pregnancy has made me into a lot of things that I swear I never am regularly. I am hormonal. I am nauseous a lot. I can’t sleep. I’m introspective…I’m all kinds of different. But as I sat back and watched the nonsense, I realized that this is it. Baby boy or girl FancyPants will be here in the summer, and nothing will be the same. We will have three children to bless every single day, and especially on the holidays when others can bless him/her as well. When you are surrounded by so much love, so much giving, and so much goodness, it’s hard not to get swept up in it. I was a little misty-eyed most of the night (or was that from constant yawning? I will never tell) because I am reminded of how blessed we are. I mean, we really are. We have family that loves us, and our children, everyday regardless. We have friends who lift us up when life gets us down. We have each other; though they say that you are more cruel to the ones you love the most, and we are guilty of that on occasion, we really have each others’ backs all the time. We are blessed. And THAT is what Christmas is about. However, I do know if I told my children they were getting “blessing reminders” for Christmas, they’d probably look at me, dial 911, and have me committed. Now, that is not to say that my children are greedy or materialistic; neither one of them even could tell us more than one thing they wanted even the day before Christmas. But kids know Santa brings presents. Jesus reminds us of our blessings. And though they work in tandem on Christmas, kids need spoiled and reminded of how loved they are every now and then. Jesus understands; it is His birthday party after all!
We were snowed in today, so we got a lot more together time (which you all know we love SO much) and play time with the new toys. And playing “Don’t Break The Ice” for the 1556th time, I realized once again that this is right where I am supposed to be. Sure, my professional life isn’t what I’d like it to be. But I can’t do much about that right now. I do what I can, I apply for jobs as I can, and I am always looking to better myself and further my own education and qualifications. But my good friend told me something, and I think it’s spot on for my life. Sometimes, you have to stop rowing so hard. You have to pull in the oars and let the Universe guide your ship where it needs to be. The Universe never lies. She always does what you need, brings what you need, and takes you where you need to go. This coming year, 2013, will be the Year I Pull In The Oars. I am exhausted from rowing, and I need the Universe to just take me. I believe that is why I got pregnant. This pregnancy is so different, it is so new, and it has really made me quite different all around. And it had to be this way. It had to slow me down, to make me look inside myself, to remind me of what is important. To remind myself that it isn’t about me. It isn’t about how much I work. How much I do. How many hoops I manage to jump through. How many hours I log. It’s about who these little people need me to be. It’s about being the right mommy for each of my kids, so that when they grow up they remember me for what we did, how we laughed, and who I was to them everyday. It isn’t about how many papers I grade; it’s about these three (!) little lives I hold in my hands and heart. And I have to do right by them first. And then right by myself, my husband, my family, my God….and then, only then, can I worry about anything else. This doesn’t mean I’m going to stop giving it my all professionally; I don’t know how to not care as much as I do, and work as hard as I do. I just won’t worry about it so much. I will let it happen, as it will happen, as it is written in the Universe. It may not be now. It may not be tomorrow, but it will be. I trust in that. You have to give it up to the Universe sometimes; it’s too exhausting to put it on yourself for too long. You have to trust. I trust.
I have the rest of my life to work my ass off.
I do not have forever to see these moments
And these moments will not last forever…
They barely last a few seconds, but they are ever so precious…
How quickly they grow, we forget, we move on…
Life, so fleeting and delicate, will not slow down for us.
We must slow down for Life.