As I have documented thoroughly
ad nauseum, I have not had the most love-love relationship with my faith. In my lifetime, I have gone from Christian to questionable, Buddhist to Church of the Pillow. I have always sort of had a crisis of faith in one way or another. Well, six years ago this Easter season, I became Catholic. And I did it for the right reasons, even though when I was dealing with my Crisis situation, I would always claim I did it to: a)get married in the big church or b)prove to my future in-laws that I was good enough for Shawn. Now, I know how silly that sounds, and as long as Shawn loves me, that’s all that matters. But that wasn’t how I felt. However, I know that my reasons were pure. I became Catholic because I was called to. I felt like I was at home in the Catholic church. Shawn is not the first Catholic I dated, and I was always mystified and felt so pulled to the tradition and the ceremony… with him being Catholic, it really solidified my place for me. I just felt like it was right. We wanted to raise our kids Catholic, and do Catholic things together… I felt at home and accepted and I knew in my heart, it was the right call.
Things were going along swimmingly between me and the Church until 2009. I miscarried a baby in November of 2009, and a few of my friends had some really huge personal crises and I couldn’t see God in all of it. How did it fit? I didn’t like the way I felt.. I felt like God had left me behind. My mother in law (fabulous as she is) told me to pray about it and to keep going to church, and I just felt like, “no. Shut up. I need to do this.” But, of course at the time, I couldn’t tell her this. I just mumbled something *which is odd, since I don’t mumble*, and moved on. She said she’d pray for me, and I wished she wouldn’t…
I came and went with it for a while which I discussed before, and have felt good about it for a while. However, I was being lazy. And didn’t want to fully commit. It was easier to be human and stupid inside my own head instead of faithful and growing with Jesus. In fact, I was trying so hard to push Jesus and Catholicism away, I looked into the notion that I may be Jewish (that is a really far cry from Christianity!). And I couldn’t tell you WHY I was trying so hard to get away, and SO hard to not be what I really, truly felt.. I was in denial and it was getting painful. Unbearable. Something had to give… I was hurting, so bad.
I hurt so much, in fact, that God started sending me flares about three weeks ago. Big ones. Caelan crossing herself after saying her nighttime prayers, for example. I think the kicker was one night, while I was talking about how NOT Catholic I was (haha I can be so silly sometimes) with my dad and he said to me, “You became Catholic for a reason, though.” And that’s when it hid me. Mid-denouncement, I was stopped dead in my tracks. He was right. And HE was, too. God was working through my dad that night, I know it. So, I came home and I started Googling Progressive Catholicism. And LGBT Equality movements within the Church (they do exist, p.s.). And I figured out where I fit. And I found out that the Church is not JUST the Vatican. And that Church law was made by man, not God necessarily. And that Man is so flawed and God is so good… and I started to feel so warm, and energized, inside. And it hit me. I read an article and it affected me so deeply, I wept (Read it Here.. it is SO good…). The last line in that just woke me up and touched me so deeply…and the Truth smacked me right in the face.
I am Catholic. I found my reason. I may never know why I left and was so defiant on staying away, but I know why I am Catholic: Because it is Home. And because He needs me. He needs me to show my daughters what the Catholic church is, and could be, in their lifetime. He needs me to serve others. And to keep serving. And He needs someone like me to stay strong and to fight the fights I believe in, because people like me don’t back down. And that’s why He brought me to St Joan of Arc. Because she was a ballsy young lady who fought for what she believed in. And she was an amazing woman, who at a very young age, laid down her life for what she believed in. And that, my friends, is my Why. I am needed. I am called. And above all else, I AM Catholic.
And it feels OH so good to be Home…