Tunnel Vision…

That is what I feel I have right now. My Capstone project is due on Sunday, and it feels like the only thing I can obsess think about, and subsequently worry about, is polishing it up. I want to make sure I am doing all of the right things, including all of the right information and making it all work out the way it needs to be. All of my assignments for it up until this point have passed with flying colors, so putting it together should not be hard. I just need to get out of my own way, organize it like it should, and be done.

Because: I. Want. To. Be. Done.

I am ready to move on from being a student. I don’t want to pay those loans back, but I am ready to be done doing homework. I prefer grading it, after all. Giving assignments instead of completing them. That’s what I am excited about. Being able to say that I met my goal of Master’s at 30. I’d like to have my Doctorate (Ph.D or Ed.D, whichever someone will pay for! lol) by 35 if possible. But that’s not set in stone. I’d like to say 37, give me time to enjoy not being a student. And to find a job, along with adjuncting because I am loving it, that will pay for that bad boy. I am not going to take out loans for that, no sirree bobby. Not happening.

I just feel like I have been able to do so much in my life, and I went about some things the wrong way, but this was the one thing that I set out to do, and made it a point to knock it out of the park. THAT excites me. That’s the stuff that keeps me up at night: knowing that once again, I made a plan, executed it thoroughly and took it to the top. Getting my Master’s while pregnant, with health problems, having a healthy baby despite that who is now thirteen months old, working, with a two (now three) year old, a marriage to a husband who changed careers in the middle of the process, and having little support for things like extra childcare help outside of myself was not the way I had originally intended it. But, we all know what is paved with Good Intentions, right friends?

Originally, I wanted to teach college, so I went back to my alma mater (Fear The Roo…?) right after graduation. And I mean right after. I graduated in August of 04 and went back to grad school that same year. That didn’t pan out for me, because I didn’t like it. I hated paying twice as much to read and write the same papers. And I wasn’t even sure I wanted an English Master’s. I met some guy with piercing blue eyes and a killer smile and moved to El Paso.

Which took me to UTEP (long story for another day) down in good old El Paso. I ended up quitting there shortly after starting, because my English classes were taught in Spanish. I was having personal struggles, so we came back to Ohio.

Where several years and a wedding later, I wound up at Cleveland State to get my teaching certificate, because I was going to teach English and Social Studies to middle school students (and apparently I was looking to start drinking heavily, because the thought of that even now makes me say, “what the shit?!”). I ended up pregnant with a perfect angel baby, and I quit going to CSU because the drive was scary in the winter, and I was pregnant and not risking my own life or someone else’s for a degree I figured out I didn’t want.

I decided to look into paralegal studies because I have always been intrigued by the legal field. After two semesters, the school I was attending online lost a lot of accreditation and I got off the sinking ship.

Leading me a few years later to Walden. For my Master’s in Higher Education. Which is where I should have been all along. I am part of the first class ever at Walden to be able to get this degree, so I take it very seriously. I have changed my focus once, but never my drive. This is the one thing I knew I wanted to do. Because I have a nice, fat mountain of student loan debt from three programs I started and didn’t complete. I knew I was going to complete this one, come hell or high water. Right before classes started, I found out I was pregnant with Ellery. I knew I wasn’t going to stop. And then the heart problems, but I didn’t let it slow me down. I posted an assignment from the labor and delivery room, after she was born of course. I have raised two girls, while finding a career that is my passion and my purpose. My husband is secure in his new position and everything is looking solidly up. We are happy, healthy, and busier than ever.

I have had tunnel vision on these last two weeks since the moment I started. And I was not going to let anything get in my way…

And the light at the end of this tunnel is the brightest it’s ever been….

And how does this make you feel?

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