yes. I am still here…

Sorry bloggosphere. I am here. I have been busy. Well, no. I am lying. I have been busy yes, in some ways. And in others, just busy killing and wasting time. Because that is what I find myself doing when I think, “I should be blogging about something”. What I end up doing: looking at people’s photo albums on Facebook and watching HGTV. I can now recognize friend’s friends on Facebook and tell you how much a kitchen upgrade would cost in a split-level in Connecticut. Useful stuff!!

I have been kind of blah recently. Not overly happy about much. Not overly sad. Just kind of, here. A lot on my mind tonight with the whole Casey Anthony “Not Guilty” bag of crap, and some of hits close to home. An anniversary is coming up that I only really let myself think about once a year, and it seems fitting that the Casey Anthony verdict came about around the time of said anniversary. It’s not my story to tell, but know that it brings me sadness and a heavy heart.

Another upcoming anniversary that I never look forward to is the 13th (13!?) anniversary of my Grandma Alice dying. Long story behind that, but know that July 14th kills me a little more every year. She was a wonderful (not perfect, but who is?) grandmother, and I hate thinking that my daughters do not know her. She is around, she haunts my house and hangs out at my mom and dad’s place, the girls have seen her I believe and they talk to her. Directly or indirectly she is a constant in my life. And I miss her and think of her every.single.day. And I am not just saying that to say it, I mean it. She comes into my mind every day. That’s a lot of days in a row to be missing someone. Miss you Grandma. Love you.

AND another upcoming big anniversary (a HAPPY one!) is on July 12th. That is when Miss Caelan Alice graced the world with her presence. I will be writing her a big happy birthday open letter closer to the date, so stay tuned for that, but I am mega pumped for her birthday this year. We are having her party at the ZOO (yes! The ZOO!) and it is REALLY cheap to do if you’re a member. It would actually cost us more to do it at home than it is at the zoo. Score! Very excited for this. She will be three. And that gives me a heart attack every time I think about it. But yes. Three. Two has been an eventful year. Let’s hope three is kind of boring. We could do with a boring year around here.

I am also getting antsy and excited for Dallas, Texas. I will be heading to Dallas here in about a week’s time. For five days. I have never been away from Shawn, let alone the girls, for five days since we’ve met. I don’t fly well. I am trying not to freak out about this whole thing, but it’s hard. Because freaking out is one of the things I do best. I am excited for the trip. Excited for what it will bring to my business. But I am not excited about flying. Or leaving the girls. Or leaving Shawn. So, it’s a mixed bag.

Have you ever felt like all you need to do is cry? Like, not because you’re sad necessarily or happy or whatever. But you think that it will be a release of so much, that you need to just do it to get it over with, cleanse yourself and be done? Yeah. I’m there. Except right now, nothing to cry about. Ha. Isn’t that how it works. And I can’t MAKE myself do it. So, I wait. For it to come. I just need a big, cathartic, let it all out and move on type of cry. I’m not sad about anything. I’m not down about anything. I’m just … I don’t know. I feel like it’s sitting on my chest and I need to let it out. I think it’s nerves and once I get home from Dallas (says the girl who hasn’t even left yet), I know I will be fine. It’s just nerves and stress thinking about it. I hate being such a freaking sissy pants about this kind of stuff, but I can’t help it. Baby, I was born this way. (Paws Up!)

Maybe dancing it out would help. I do so love dancing it out. Or writing it out. Since, that’s what I am doing now. Perhaps I will hit “publish” and I will feel better. Let’s try it…

And how does this make you feel?

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