Ugh. Parenting is the hardest job you’ll ever love. I keep repeating this in my head, and I keep reminding myself that this is the way it is and that I can’t get down on myself… but omgoodness. Sometimes, I just feel..
1. I know I am a killer mom. I do right by my girls. I am teaching them and showing them the way and loving on them like they deserve to be loved on. I take care of my babies and would do everything for them. I KNOW this about myself. And I am confident in my parenting. Because they MAKE me confident, they SHOW me I am awesome. I don’t need to be told it, they tell me in their ways everyday. But Ellery is not a happy baby. Like, she can be calm and sweet and kill us with her smile. But she also gets into these TERRIBLE jags of crying. TERRIBLE. Uncontrollable. And I just don’t know what to do for her. She screams and cries, pulls at my face and grips onto things… it is so hard to explain. It isn’t colic, and I truly believe it has to do with her teething issues, but NOTHING works. Orajel is a joke and teething tabs don’t touch it either…. I just wish sometimes she could tell me, “Mommy, I know I am hurting and I know no other way to tell you this. It isn’t your fault, but I just need to scream it out right now. I love you.” And sometimes she DOES tell me this with her eyes, and then other times when she is crying, she looks like she is just so miserable and her face begs me to help her… and I just don’t know how…terrible
2. Caelan has really grown up right before our eyes this last month. She has finally decided that diapers are for babies and she is a big girl. She has decided that what she calls “cotton panties” are the way to go. And she has had 4 accidents in a month. 4. Sometimes she will feel herself have to pee, and then she’ll stop herself and will go into the toilet. Which is good. But she still feels bad that she sprinkles a teeny bit into her panties. And I reassure her that she is still a big girl, and that the fact that she doesn’t have a full-on accident is stellar. And she still apologizes a hundred times and shows us she is taking responsibility for herself and her little world. She also has decided that now she can do everything by herself. She gets in her carseat herself (Lord help me the day she decides to learn how to get OUT of it…). She washes her hands herself. It is amazing. Byebye toddler, hello preschooler! And even better, she’s eating. No meds. No therapy right now. Just hunger driving her to eat. Which may not last, but I will take it while it does. Absolutely…proud.
3. Shawn’s work schedule is finally falling into a routine and we are able to figure things out around it. He likes his job and I couldn’t be happier for him. The money is good, and will only get better. My business is taking of quicker than before, and my little family is growing! I couldn’t be happier, and while it still seems a little overwhelming sometimes, I believe that everything worth doing is a bit scary sometimes and a little overwhelming. And I fully understand that if it starts to feel easy, I need to work harder and shake things up a bit. It’s good for me. Challenging myself. Always learning. Always seeking to touch lives. Always seeking to do better and strive further to be even more…productive.
4. I am losing weight on Weight Watchers and though sometimes I am hungry and all I want is to eat ice cream and candy, I keep my eyes on the prize and know that I am better off healthy. I am making healthy choices, tracking points and doing what needs to be done to stay on track. I am not afraid of a plateau (I know one will come) but I am doing everything I can to keep that at a minimum, to keep moving and making healthy choices. Shawn is also getting into better shape, and it is good to know we are doing it together. Accountability is key to help each other be…strong.
5. Grad school is going well and I am keeping up with my workload with everything else going on. Soon I will have the credits needed to apply at a local college and start my big girl job and career. This is what I am striving for, what I am going to school for and what I am working so hard for. I can’t let anything sidestep me or try to veer me off course. I have to keep my eyes on the prize and continue to succeed and work for it. No one has handed me anything when it comes to my education, which makes me want to work even harder to prove that this is all me. I own my successes and my downfalls. I can do this. I can continue to keep going, keep achieving, keep my head up to remain….accomplished
Above all else, right now, in this moment I am…exhausted. Good night.