Write about three of my celebrity crushes…I don’t know that I have three currently, but I know I used to have a ton. As we age, our tastes change (thank goddess), and who we find attractive at one phase of life is not who we find attractive at another. I think of all the crushes I have had over the years, and there are very few common elements between any of them. So, I guess I just could talk about three people in general I admire, not necessarily crush-esque, but admiration for them as people and what they bring to the world that makes them attractive to me in one way or another. Attraction, as we all know, means many different things…
- Laura Jane Grace is, probably, the love of my life. I just haven’t met her yet to tell her. There is something about her that sings to my soul, shares my truths with her words, and puts those truths on display with her voice. She is as beautiful as she is humble, and being in the same room with her is electric. I have had the honor of being so close to her, I could have touched her if I wasn’t terrified of security. I have been so close to her, hearing her sing my words and my life to the crowd, that it has taken my breath away. I am not a fangirl kind of girl, but I will tell you that when I am given the chance to interview her, I know I will have zero chill left in me. I have so many things I want to ask her, so many stories I want her to tell, and I don’t even think I’d be able to have enough time to get to all of it. Listening to her narrate her audiobook made me realize I would listen to her narrate the phone book if she asked. I am such a huge fan of hers and her music, and to be able to tell her that one day would be a dream…
- Elon Musk is a brilliant man. He’s sexy in a way that says “you say I can’t do that, but I just did.” I admire his brain, his drive, his courage, and his complete inability to understand limits of any kind. Sure, he may be hard to work with and stubborn or rude at times, but who isn’t? He’s simply brilliant. And I’d love to talk to him as well just to let him know how much his work inspires me to keep going – despite any preconceived notion of limitation. He’s sexy in a way that lets you know you could get it, but you won’t be the only one, and he may never call you back. But don’t take it personally… and that, my friends, is power. And power can be very attractive.
- Ruby Rose for obvious reasons. That’s all I have to say about that. Sounds shallow. And I’m good with that. Girl could get it. Period.
Some LJG love, shall we?
One of my fave songs she does acoustic.
I was in the room the night this happened, and I cried silently so no one would make fun of me for crying…. lol. WHAT a night that was… honestly.
Thank God no one said this has to be consecutive days haha
Write about my first love…
My first love was music….
In short, music has…
- Showed me it was okay to feel what I was feeling
- Shouted my feelings back to me to remind me it was fine
- Showed me how to love myself
- Given my life purpose
- Allowed me to grieve
- Celebrated with me
- Allowed me to figure out who I am
- Figured out who I was for me
- Saved my life more times than I can count
- Helped me make sense of this world
- Given me direction
- Provided an escape
- Provided a new perspective
- Been my only friend
- Been the only thing that makes sense
- Showed me what love sounds like
- Allowed me to accept myself
- Allowed me to let go
- Showed me how to hold on
- Supported me without question
- Never left me alone
- Showed me what I need
- Showed me what I do not want
- Accompanied me on adventures
- Quieted my tears
- Allowed those tears to flow
- Helped me write
- Helped me live
- Held my hand
- Introduced me to countless friends I will never forget
- Woven itself right into my life
- Run through my veins
- Hushed me to sleep
- Rocked me awake
- Helped me focus on what is important
- Written alongside me
- Brought me to my husband
- Allowed me to do what I love
- Inspired me
- Motivated me
- Encouraged me
- Danced with me
- Been inked onto my skin
- Been imprinted into my brain
- Filled my dreams
- Pushed me to go faster
- Encouraged me to slow down
- Given me places I belong
- Walked streets with me
- Rode in cars, buses, subways, planes, trains with me
- Pushed me to be better
- Pushed me to do better
- Taught me
- Understood me
- Allowed me to understand myself
- Answered my prayers
- Been my light in the dark
- Loved me back, unconditionally
Post thirty facts about myself…. oh boy.
- I am 36 years old.
- I am 5’4.5″ tall.
- I have decided purple is my natural hair color.
- I am a good mom.
- I am a good friend and listener because I am not judgmental.
- I love my children and husband.
- I love learning about things that fascinate me. I am forever a student.
- I love books more than I love people.
- I have a chronic illness that sometimes makes day to day life very hard.
- I also have a diagnosed mental illness that makes day to day life very hard at times.
- I am working on myself in order to not let #9 and 10 take over my existence.
- I love helping people.
- I can be insecure, but I am working on that.
- I am funny when I want to be.
- I am not ticklish.
- I want to start a nonprofit some day helping others heal their lives through writing.
- I will have a full time job in my field before the start of the next school year, if all goes according to my plan.
- I love the freedom that a little extra money gives me.
- I am an intermittent faster, and some days are easier than others.
- I love having my nails polished.
- I wear an ankle brace I have lovingly named Laura Jane Brace.
- I love the color black.
- I will die not having read all of the books I own.
- I have no problem telling you if I have a problem with you.
- I have so many favorite bands and favorite songs that I will never be able to choose one over another in good conscience.
- Warm baths with a good book and some yummy incense are my jam.
- I am not heterosexual, and sometimes I do not mind the privilege that I have in “passing” in common society thanks to being married to a man.
- I say I am not romantic, but I am discovering I kind of am in some ways.
- I love things that smell good and have air fresheners of some variety in every room in our house.
- I am really getting into numerology and find the laws of numbers and the Universe fascinating.
Post about my zodiac sign and whether or not it fits me.
YEP. I’m a Scorpio and have an entire Pinterest board dedicated to it. Based on what I have read and know about Scorpio, a lot of it is pretty spot on.
EXCEPT THE RAGING SEX THING, cuz that is NOT me.
But, everything else? Yep!
Sensitivity, a proclivity for the darker side of life, openness, keen observation skills, fighter, feeler, healer, trap-like memory, quick to be annoyed, knowledge seeker, caring, sarcasm, independent, probably better off alone… all of it. Me.
I can’t lie; I really dig knowing that the way I am has kind of been written in the stars, so to speak. And I have always been like this. I embrace it. I’m good with it.
At the end of the day, aren’t we all seeking our own truths? A lot of truth can come from the stars, if we’re willing to look up!
Something I miss….
I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about things I miss. People? Sure. Things? Nah. But, I guess if I had to pick, I would say sleeping past dawn. LOL! Honest to goodness, my kids are just awake with the birds, and they usually wake me by asking if they can get up. Every morning like clockwork, even though they have a clock!! It’s madness.
I just miss the feeling of waking up, rolling over and wiping my bleary eyes and the sun actually being up before me. Seeing the sunlight stream into my windows, feeling its warmth on my skin instead of the cold, dark bullshit I wake up to now. It’s not too much, but I do miss it. A lot.
What do you miss?
Bullet Point My Day (larger moments cuz you don’t wanna know all of it)
- Woke up, wondering why morning has to come when it does
- fed kids and took shower
- took kids to breakfast at book fair, spent $45 on books cuz books
- came home, made quick breakfast
- went to mall to walk around and got hella confused by Easter bunny
- went to work to print things for taxes
- picked up youngest at preschool
- went to store
- had lunch
- checked social media throughout day
- talked to friends via text throughout day
- made some phone calls that led me nowhere
- thought lots of thoughts throughout day, also, cuz not a robot
- tried to nap
- kid made me into a couch
- so did cat
- did book activities with littlest
- polished nails of middle and little
- gave self a mani also
- ate/drank dinner of protein shake and a handful of chips
- played with kiddos
- got kiddos ready for bed
- put kids in bed
- rode 6 miles on bike while watching The Good Doctor
- PR’d : 6 miles in 31:24!!!!!
- turned on black-ish
- turned on laptop
- opened web browser
- here we are
How was your day?
My favorite movies I never get tired of watching….
I am NOT much of a movie person. I don’t have the attention span to just sit there and watch something. I always have to be doing something, so I end up missing things. This is also why shows like Dr. Who and the like do not thrill me – I cannot spend the time catching up on some stupid ass back story. Show me what I need to know, NOW, and then move on, ya know?
BUT!! There are movies I never tire of….
- The entire Harry Potter series
- Napoleon Dynamite
- Baz Lurhmann’s Romeo + Juliet
- Save the Last Dance
- Finding Nemo
- The Fifth Element
- Titanic (but man, it’s so long)
That’s it. LOL! My list is short, like my attention span. How about you?
What am I excited about?
I am excited about a lot of things as of late! Lots of fun things developing, lots of self work being done, lots of projects coming to the surface, and lots of connections being made. But, mostly right now, I am excited about having time off from working in person for the first four days of this upcoming week. I love my job – I do. So very much. But, sometimes a break is needed to hit pause, refresh, and revive. I have things I’d like to accomplish, but I really don’t expect to get through my list. I will focus on giving myself grace, breathing, centering. I want to get through some books I’ve had on my nightstand the last week or so, and I would like to see some friends I haven’t seen in a while. Those would be my nonnegotiable things I must at least attempt while I am on break.
Having time off is not something I usually celebrate.
But for me, right now, it couldn’t come at a better time.
Five Blessings in My Life (no people, my rule):
- Unconditional love from my children: I never wanted kids. It wasn’t until my cousin had his children that I even warmed up to the idea of children. And when I saw his oldest daughter for the first time, I knew I wanted children of my own. Now, with three daughters of my own, I have three blessings, every single day, even when I feel like I don’t deserve it. My greatest blessings call me “Mommy,” and sometimes, I’m the best Mommy ever…and sometimes, they tell me I am anyway.
- Music: Without music I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t know some of my favorite people. I wouldn’t have had some of the incredibly amazing experiences I have. I wouldn’t know what love is, what it feels like, what it sounds like. What words to use when life is bad, good, and everything in between. I wouldn’t know how to put words to the incredible feelings inside of me. I wouldn’t be who I am without the music that I love. And that means more to me than just about anything else.
- Unending support from my friends: When I don’t deserve it, they support me. When I completely suck at life, they love me anyway. When I need an ear, they all have them. When I am down, they lift me up. When I am scared, they shine lights for me. My friends remind me who I am. My friends remind me of what I am capable of, even when I don’t believe them. They help me rise. And I will rise for them, without hesitation. Any day, in any way.
- Protection from my guardian angels: Between my grandma Alice, my Poppa, and my cousin Kevin, alongside the baby I lost along the way, I am surrounded by the most loving and supportive people on the other side I could ever need. When grandma Alice died, she took almost everything out of me. I had nothing left when Kevin died, which upset me because I was only 18 days postpartum with my youngest. And I was so overwhelmed with everything, I feel like it’s taken me this long to really mourn his passing. Poppa passing was the last straw for my sanity in many ways; I still am not really okay with him being gone. Grandma Alice and Poppa were two people who loved me unconditionally, no questions asked, and losing them was really devastating to me on many levels. I still talk to all of them sometimes; it reminds me to stay connected to those who are on the other side, waiting for me and caring for me. My baby passed very early, so I didn’t feel a lot of connection to him (I always say he was my boy since I don’t have one here in this world). But, going through losing him was absolutely terrible, and something I don’t wish on anyone. I am surrounded by love in the next life. And I know they keep their eyes on me in this one.
- My writing: Saved my life. Still does. End of story.
On the good days, count your blessings. On the bad ones, count them twice.
Something I always think “What If” about….
This one here is a doozy. This could get long. I have LOTS of things I think what if about, some I am comfortable writing about here and others that stay in my private thoughts. I do not like to look back and wonder on things, but sometimes, as a human who thinks a lot and spends hours in her own head, I can’t help it. I mean, don’t we all have those moments?
What if I knew my own power during all of those times I needed it in my past? What if I had stood up to bullies instead of letting them form my self confidence and affect my self worth? What if I told people what I thought back when it mattered instead of struggling to gain ground now? What if I hadn’t let fear and my need for feeling safe affect every single decision I have made the last almost twenty years? What if I turned him in when it happened? What if I stopped waiting for people to give me acceptance and found it in myself instead? What if I let myself love as I knew I was capable of instead of how I thought everyone would accept? What if I let that person kiss me? What if I tried to kiss first? What if I wasn’t afraid? What if I learned how to stop giving fucks well before most of my fucks were gone? What if I met certain people in my life before I did? What if I had said no instead of yes? Or yes instead of no? What if I did what I wanted instead of what I thought I should do, what would allow others to accept me, what was safe? What if…?
The “what if spiral” can go PRETTY DEEP if I let it, so I try not to let it. I really, genuinely try to not go down the “what if” road. Some of the answers are scary to think about; they may make me uncomfortable. May make others uncomfortable. May hurt. But, sometimes, it’s unavoidable. I have to ask myself these questions. I have to do the shadow work that will help me come into my own power and not wonder what if, cuz I will know and truly understand how and why all of those what if moments HAD to happen to lead me here… and will have to be examined to lead me to something better – self acceptance and peace, a much-needed thing in my world. So much needed. I’ll get there, for sure. One day, one “what if” at a time…
What do you wonder “what if” about? I’d love to start a conversation around this.
Just a song I love by a band I love, about the “if” questions…
I know it seems silly to wonder “What If”; sometimes, it’s all I’ve got.